Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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