you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
