I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
