I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
