Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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