oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
