Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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