I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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