Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
