My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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