i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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