i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
