I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
