did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
