Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
