I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
