It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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