He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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