can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
