my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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