I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
