please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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