cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
