Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
