My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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