Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
