You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
