I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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