Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
