This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
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