I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.