Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.