Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
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Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
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University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
God has nothing to do with this.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's