the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My feet surprised me
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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