I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
