I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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