We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
