just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
