She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
