she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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