omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
