We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
