I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
