The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
