So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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