im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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