So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
a search helicopter?!
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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