At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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