I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
