I wish my penis had an off switch
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
