I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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