Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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