If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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