We're facebook friends in real life
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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