Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
