There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
