I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
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Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
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I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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