We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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