i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
