So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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