Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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