I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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