I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
