so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
