I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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