just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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