In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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